The Princess and the Pea’r: A (Tongue-in-cheek) Work of Fan Fiction

For the benefit of any new visitors to the blog, this post is not representative, but a few weeks ago I issued a challenge, asking followers to come up with ideas for future posts. One of these was from Deidra, who after reading my tribute to David Cassidy (link here), suggested I should write some fan fiction in fairytale form involving the man and his music. Anyway, this is a bit tongue-in-cheek, and probably not what Deidra was expecting at all, but always fun to take on a new challenge and run with it. You probably need to be of a certain age to “get” a lot of what is to follow, but if you do, hope you enjoy it.

david cassidyThe Princess and the Pea’r

Princess Deidra looked down from the castle window. The boy from the village had just arrived with baskets of pears from his family’s orchard, and was heading towards the entrance to the large kitchen where he would no doubt laugh and joke with the kitchen maids. Deidra felt sad, and jealous that she could no longer join in their fun, but her mother had deemed it no longer appropriate for her to spend time with Maryberry the cook, Baldrick the kitchen boy and the feisty but fun, Daphne and Celeste.

The boy was called Davyd and his family supplied the castle with much produce in the course of a year. They reared partridges at the back of their humble dwelling so inevitably came to be known as, The Partridge Family. He had a sister called Susan and a brother called Daniel, who also visited the castle from time to time with their mother, a pretty, petite woman, with light coloured hair. The four of them were accomplished musicians and came to entertain guests in the great hall whenever a banquet was being held. The mother and Susan both played the harpsichord whereas Daniel played that strange stringed instrument which looked a bit like a lute. As for Davyd, he was the singer within the group, and as far as Deidra was concerned, had the voice of an angel.

The reason for his arrival today, was because festivities were being planned in honour of a visiting prince. She knew this prince was being thought of as a possible suitor, but fortunately her mother and father, the King and Queen, were kind and loving parents who would never force her into an arranged marriage. The prince, she had learnt, was called Donald and he came from a far away land that had a great salt lake. She’d also heard he had many brothers who wore tabards of different colours so that their parents could tell them apart. Donald always wore purple, and although they denied it, his parents considered him the handsomest of them all, as he had a beautiful smile and dazzling white teeth. Even when his younger brother James arrived, despite his long hair and loving ways, Donald was still their favourite son and they hoped he would find a deserving princess, perhaps in Deidra.

Not for the first time however, Deidra wished she had been lowly born and could simply marry the boy from the village who was now leaving the castle grounds, his baskets empty. He would return home to his family, checking the partridges on the way, no doubt perched on the many pear trees in the orchard. Prince Donald may well be someone she could fall in love with, but right now, all she could think of was Davyd, and the songs she imagined he sang just for her. “Yes, I think I love you too”, she thought to herself, remembering the words of the last song he had performed in the great hall, at the same time knowing full well nothing could come of it.

I Think I Love You:

But the day was warm, and it was time for an afternoon nap ahead of the evening’s banquet and entertainment. She removed her headdress and lay down on her counterpane, but before she could drift off to sleep Daphne appeared, having run up the stairs from the kitchen. The pair had been friends since they were young but of late Deidra had been unable to spend much time with her at all, her mother insisting that she fill her days with needlework, scripture and music lessons.

“Excuse me Princess, but I just had to let you know that Prince Donald is on his way.”

“I know Daphne, but what will he be like I wonder. Will he be as handsome as Davyd from the village? I see he has just been to the kitchen. Did you speak with him?”

“Why of course Princess. He was asking after you but that Celeste had to push in and act all brazen in front of him as usual. Ooh, that girl has no shame but we all knows he only has eyes for you so stick you Celeste. He also told us he has some turtle doves for the princess. Real beauties they are.”

The kitchen maids Daphne and Celeste

“Oh, how kind”, said Deidra feeling wistful that she would not be allowed to accept them in person. “Is he coming up to the castle with his family tonight, to sing and play for us?”

“He is”, replied Daphne excitedly, “and they have a new song he wants to sing just for you. He knows about Prince Donald and told me to let you know, it’s a magical song that can transport you through time. Time and… relative dimension in… sound, he called it. Means nothing to me but he said you would understand”.

Daphne then headed off, to return to her duties in the kitchen but Deidra was left feeling confused. As a young princess she had been allowed to spend time with the village children, and when playing their games had often told Davyd she believed we would one day travel through time. Had he remembered those conversations she wondered, and had he found a way of really making it happen? It was all very baffling, but time for a quick nap now as Trinny and Susannah, her ladies maids, would soon be along to help her choose the perfect costume for tonight’s banquet, and the inevitable introduction to Prince Donald.

The ladies maids Trinny and Susannah

By the time the sun went down, Deidra was ready for the evening of festivities. Trinny and Susannah had picked out the perfect gown and headdress for her and after much pushing, prodding and pulling had secured the bodice into place. They had also brought with them an undergarment called majicnikkers which although made of a very strange fabric that was new to her, had the effect of making her waist appear very small indeed. This was going to be quite an evening, and although she was curious about the meeting with Prince Donald, it was the idea of Davyd’s magical song that truly excited her.

At the banquet Deidra was seated next to Prince Donald. He was indeed very handsome, his dark hair framing his smiling face. His party’s journey to the castle had been an eventful one however, as something had caused their horses to start acting crazily. Something in the air perhaps, an air very different to what they were used to by the great salt lake, over there on the morning side of the mountain. But Deidra could already tell that this was not her prince. He was too young, and for him it would just be a puppy love.

Jacques, Jules et Henri

At the end of the table was a cage with the turtle doves that Davyd had sent up to the castle earlier in the day as a gift. He had also presented the cook, Maryberry, with three hens which had curiously been given the names Jacques, Jules and Henri. All we need now she thought to herself, would be some birds that could sing, and we would have quite the menagerie. Just at that moment, The Partridge Family appeared on the minstrel gallery, ready to play for them. Davyd gave her a knowing look, and once his brother tightened the strings on the lute-shaped instrument, the song began. “Could it be forever, or is my mind just rambling on…… .”

Suddenly Deidra’s head started to spin and she had to look down to gather her composure. The words in Davyd’s song were ringing in her ears. “Could it be forever?”, she thought regretfully. “No, not in my world, where princesses just don’t marry commoners.”

Princess Deidra

The spinning stopped and Deidra looked up. It took a few moments for her to work out where she was. It was still Windsmoor Castle but everything looked different. Her family and Prince Donald still sat next to her but they were all dressed in strange clothes and her flaming red hair was no longer covered by a headdress. The plate, and glassware, was finely crafted and large drapes covered the table. The Partridge Family were no longer up in the minstrel gallery but stood on a low, nearby platform surrounded by large boxes from which the sound seemed to come. Soon the song ended, and instead of retreating to the chambers behind the banquet hall as was usual, the family descended from the stage and came to converse with the guests. Just then, she remembered that Davyd had not just said it was to be a magical song, but that it was perhaps made up of sounds that could transport them through time. “What was it again?”, she frantically tried to remember. “Time and relative dimension in sound. TARDIS for short.”

She was still reeling from this revelation when Davyd came to speak to her. He had done it, he really had. Found a way of traversing through time until they came to an age when red-haired princesses could marry dark-haired, common born entertainers. Without further ado, Davyd got down on one knee and presented Deidra with a pear, from the orchard behind the castle of olden days. When she looked at it quizzically, he just said, “bite into it and see what you find.” Inside was a gold ring, which to everyone’s delight found its way onto her finger. “I started off with five pears and five gold rings”, he said, “but only this final one made it through the sound vortex. It wasn’t until then I knew the time was right to sing my magical song.”

And that my friends, is where the story ends. Davyd and Princess Deidra married in the chapel at Windsmoor Castle a few weeks later and many of their friends came to join in the celebrations. Sir Idris of Elba, Sir George of Clooney and of course Lady Victoria of Beckingham. Prince Donald returned to the land of the great salt lake, married, and had many, many children. Will they all live happily ever after though? Why of course they will, because as we all know, breaking up is hard to do!

 

The End


Could It Be Forever Lyrics
(Song by Wes Farrell/Danny Janssen)

Could it be forever or is my mind just rambling on
[No, it can be forever Davyd, thanks to TARDIS – Time and relative dimension in sound!]
Well I touched you once and I kissed you once
And I feel like you’re mine
Well I feel like you’re mine and I see in your face
I’m not wrong to have these feelings
Well I feel like you’re mine and I’ve never known a time before
That’s had so many meanings

Could it be forever or is my mind just wasting time
Well I don’t think so because you let me know
You make me feel like you’re mine
Well I feel like you’re mine and I can’t remember
When the feelings have been stronger
And all I know is I can’t let go of you
Or be with you just a little while longer

All my feelings come together
All of me is here
Never known when I felt better
Cause I know this won’t disappear

But could it be forever
Or is my mind just rambling on
Maybe it is, if it is
Then I’ll be moving on
Well, I feel like you’re mine
And I see in your face
I’m not wrong to have these feelings
Well, I feel like you’re mine
I’ve never known a time before
That’s had so many meanings

Jackie Magazine, Jackie The Musical and “Sad Sweet Dreamer”

If like me you became a teenager in 1973, when I mention Jackie magazine you will know exactly where I am coming from. Between 1972 and 1974 the magazine was selling in excess of 1.1 million copies per week and was a must-buy for “go-ahead” teens – its target market. I don’t know if my friends and I were indeed all that go-ahead, but Thursday was one of the best days of the week as it was not only Top Of The Pops night, but it was also the day when we picked up our copy of Jackie. With centrefold posters of the pop idols of the day, titbits of gossip about their likes and dislikes, great fashion spreads and the Cathy & Claire page (where all those problems we couldn’t possibly discuss with our mums were aired and very sensibly answered), it truly was the bible for girls trying to find their way in the world.

As we all know, they will make a musical about practically anything nowadays, but last week I went to see “Jackie The Musical” (excellent by the way) and if this blog is all about looking back nostalgically, by revisiting the Tracks of My Years, this was the stage musical equivalent. The main character was 54-year-old Jackie, a woman with an adult son still living at home, going through the trauma of divorce, and experimenting with online dating. Whilst packing up the contents of her house she finds her old teen magazines and of course starts to reminisce about her hopes and dreams back then. Her younger self even makes an appearance dressed in very authentic early ‘70s-style clothing (flares/big collars/platform shoes) to great comedic effect, often quoting verbatim what Cathy & Claire would have advised.

But of course the raison d’être behind any musical is the performance of the songs and this Jukebox Musical did not disappoint – Interwoven into the storyline were a host of very nostalgia-provoking songs such as Could It Be Forever (by David Cassidy), I Love To Love (by Tina Charles), Crazy Horses (by The Osmonds), The Things We Do For Love (by 10cc), Hold Me Close (by David Essex), Tiger Feet (by Mud), Puppy Love (by Donny Osmond) and many, many, more.

It was no coincidence of course that the vast majority of the audience were ladies of a certain age with very few men, quite sensibly, choosing to partake in this very girly extravaganza. By chance I met lots of people I knew, which was really nice, but of course it is also no coincidence that the main character was a stereotypical 54-year-old of today, and sad to say the chances of being separated or divorced are indeed quite high. Sad also to reflect that Cathy & Claire would not have anticipated that being the outcome for the Jackie Class of 1972-74 and although this is not the place to conjecture what has gone wrong, from a purely observational point of view, it seems that No – We can’t have it all. I have my own theories on that one, but perhaps for another time.

As a Scot, I am really proud that DC Thomson of Dundee, that city famed for Jam, Jute and Journalism was the publisher responsible for a magazine that both entertained and helped so many of my generation negotiate their way through those tricky teenage years. I probably still have my pillowcase somewhere with the Donny Osmond iron-on transfer (in purple – his favourite colour) and my heart-broken/heart-mended badge, both free gifts from that golden era.

badge.png

So many songs from the show that I could feature here but as I have already written about a few of the most obvious contenders, I think I will pick one of the lesser known songs that may have been forgotten about in the intervening years. Before the days of Pop Idol and The X-Factor we had much less lavish mid-week talent shows such as New Faces. One of the acts that did really well on that show were an 8-piece soul group from Manchester, called Sweet Sensation. Once signed to Pye Records, under the guidance of one of the judges Tony Hatch they started to release records and although their first didn’t make it to the charts, their second, Sad Sweet Dreamer, made it all the way to the No. 1 spot in October 1974. (Again – just so much purple.)

The readers of Jackie magazine were often sad (mainly due to boyfriend trouble – the lack of one), they were young so generally still quite sweet, and, they were all overwhelmingly “dreamers”. There couldn’t have been a similar magazine for boys at that time and practically none of the songs in the show would ever have appealed to them anyway – The Davids and the Donnys belonged to us, and boy did we dream!

Sad Sweet Dreamer Lyrics
(Song by David Parton)

Sad sweet dreamer
It’s just one of those things you put down to experience
Sad sweet dreamer
It’s just one of those things you put down to experience

Been another blue day without you girl
Been another sad summer song
I’ve been thinking about you girl
All night long

Been another sad tear on my pillow
Been another memory to tell me you’re the one, girl
I kept thinking about you girl
All night long

Sad sweet dreamer
It’s just one of those things you put down to experience
Sad sweet dreamer
It’s just one of those things you put down to experience

Been another long night and I’ve missed you girl
Been another story from those endless magazines
Can’t help thinking about you girl
All night long

Was so happy when I found you
But how was I to know
That you would leave me walking down that road

Been another hard luck story
Been another man who thought that he was oh so strong
Been thinking about you girl
All night long

Postscript:

I often feel we go in circles here as since starting the blog so many hitherto unknown connections have come to light. It turns out that the bass player with Sweet Sensation, Barry Johnson, later joined reggae band Aswad whom I wrote about only last week. Different style of music but definitely more in tune with his roots as like many of his fellow bandmates from Sweet Sensation, he was born in Kingston, Jamaica.